Am I trying to escape from what I was? Was I supposed to be like this? I don’t remember how I grew up so much differently. Even though I remember few things, my memory has blurred and some spaces are empty. I hurried so much towards the future maybe that’s why I have forgotten who I was, what did I like and what I wanted to be when I would grow twenty.
I intend to live more so that I can grab more opportunities. But I don’t know whether I ever intended to be so hard and so rude to myself. I curse myself more when I start chasing vanity.
When I repeatedly do the same things I make a promise and behave courageously. I must have loved myself back then but now I like being with myself more.
I don’t remember if I had planned to work when I was a child, I just don’t know. And even if I did have a plan, now, I don’t want to be the slave to documents and files. I have some paintings with me. Yes, I have it even today. That is one of the memoirs that I have from past year’s yesterdays. I can say that when I’ll practice more, I can be a good painter. Or maybe I can be the owner of a gift shop. Though I burned the slam books and the cards I received in return. I remember it was the day when everyone promised to stay in touch. It was the day when they promised to love each other unconditionally but forgot me. It was the day when I left my school and my classmates after speaking the truth and leaving them to have a never-ending grudge on me. It was the day when I realised that I was being a fool and it was the day when I left the people whom I believed were my home.
How have I changed so much? How have I stopped making gift cards for people? Can you teach me how to love that way? Again? There were times when I felt too much for others and wanted the power to pull them towards me or say getting them attracted towards me. I wonder how I grew up and started pushing people away from me.
It fuses my mind when someone says that they’re getting closer to their childhood dreams. I don’t freaking remember that how do I not remember what I wanted to be. How do I not remember? Damn it!
Maybe I had let the destiny bump into myself with the pain that it brought with itself more than anything else: happiness especially. I wish someone was there to guide me through but I don’t remember any.
I’ve grown selfish with my present and future so much that I forgot from where did I really belonged.
I don’t remember what was my attitude towards people and how did I respected them. Now, I just treat people with a smile on my face genuinely and try not to float in the river just like a dead fish.
I can say that I’ve changed because people ask me more frequently that how did I manage to come so far and settled peacefully. The truth that I can speak confidently is, “I never took people with myself ahead whom I knew would keep hurting me and pull me down. That’s all I have learned from my few year’s yesterdays. That’s all has made me believe in good tidings that I’ve received”.
I don’t have regrets that kills me when I open my treasure box. Seriously, I don’t have anything to hold and weep in pain of not having them today.
I know of a deep hole that I have in me and there are some beautiful and good memories.
I remember how I had to lose myself long ago. When I separated myself from the ones whom I called my home. It felt like my heart was being cut terribly in tiny pieces. I remember that. It felt like the ceiling broke on my chest and it felt heavy. It felt more like it was a calamity put on my weak body and I had to give myself the shade of survival. Life gave me the choice to choose and I chose to rise as a strong human being.
Don’t play the victim every time. Your past was yesterday and you got today so go change the game.